


My train of thought

by Leonie_Catrina



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Bruce Banner Is a Good Bro, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mental Breakdown, Overthinking, Protective Avengers, Suicidal Thoughts, Talking, Thor is on Asgard, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-25
Updated: 2017-10-25
Packaged: 2019-01-22 17:19:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12486844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leonie_Catrina/pseuds/Leonie_Catrina
Summary: "Dammit Tony, can't you just stop it for one fucking minute?!?"How one sentence can make your ordinary billionaire, genius, playboy, philanthropist crumble.And how the Avengers realize that one of them is truly not what he seems to be.





	My train of thought

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there
> 
> This is my first time sharing anything I've written at all. I'm still not sure what to make of it.  
> So please be gentle :)  
> Hope you enjoy
> 
> TW: SELF-HARM (cutting), brief SUICIDAL THOUGHTS & ALCOHOLISM  
> it's nothing graphic, but mentioned and talked about. If this might be triggering to you, don't take any chances.  
> This is pretty sad but totally not all dark  
> There is always kindness to the darkness!
> 
> Disclaimer: Sadly I own nothing but the plot ;)

Enough was enough.  
"Dammit Tony, can't you just stop it for one fucking minute?!?"  
"Uhm..."  
"I can't concentrate like that and I really need to finish this before going to bed but it's going to take forever if you keep annoying me with AC/DC!"  
The music was blasting for ...huh 16 hours already. I should probably get some rest, but this experiment really WAS pretty important.  
"Jarvis." He asked and the music stopped. "I'm sorry Bruce. Won't happen again." Tony apologized quietly. And that was wrong. Tony was never quiet. Even in his sleep he mumbled on -as discovered on movie nights. Something didn't sit right with his serious tone. But I just yelled at him so I let it go. Me shouting at him was uncalled for and I felt bad already, but he probably wouldn't care for an apology and would rather I just dropped the subject.  
But as we continued he would get increasingly fidgy, moving his fingers and leaning from one side to the other.  
I saw as he opened his mouth as if to say something before he caught himself and kept quiet as not to distract me several times and that was distracting as hell. Because it was worrying. A still tony never was good.  
"Tony?"  
"Mhm." He answered so quietly I could barely hear him.  
"You alright?"  
"Yeah sure, peachy." I left it at that. Mostly because his usual snarky sarcastic self was nothing like this subdued version of him. I couldn't decide if the defensive mechanisms he used for the media were down or at their highest. I watched silently when he suddenly stopped mid motion, a far-away expression in his eyes, just to shake it off half a minute later and carry on. After two hours of that I noticed how skittish he'd got. Scaring or surprising Tony Stark was a task seldom accomplished, yet he jumped when one of my beakers crushed on the floor, a sound especially tony knew by heart. Right after that he just was still, but that was better compared to the violent shaking that followed.  
"Tony? Tony what's going on?" There was no response as he slowly backed up against the wall behind him.  
"Tony!" I screamed as he suddenly slid down on it. Hands covering his face.  
"I want it to stop! Please, make it stop." What was that? A panic attack? Flashback? I sat in front of him, but didn't dare touch him in his emotional state.  
"Make what stop Tony?"  
"Me! Make me stop thinking. Please I just can't take it." What? That was not an answer I expected. Why would one ever..? No. With Tony there were thoughtless words but there was always a reason for literally everything. He really wasn't actually impulsive. He planned his actions, those surrounding him, everything for _a reason_. And he planned it faster than any of us. So never judge Tony before asking for motives first.  
"Why would you want to stop thinking, you're a genius, your mind, your intelligence is a privilege."  
"It's a curse!" And wow if the hate in those little words wasn't enough to ruin a whole life. There really wasn't any comforting answer I could give before I knew why he felt that way.  
"Tell me." Usually a plea like that was refused. Tony was just great at distracting and deflecting. Never answering the questions he didn't want to (mostly question about himself and his past). So I was surprised when without further convincing he just started talking.  
"I can't stop. I just can't make it stop. The thinking. I just won't stop thinking, like never. Any second my mind is chasing five different ideas at once because I can't seem to decide which one is best. Its too fast, I can't write them down, or even talk them out - and I can talk fast.  
Everything is spinning and I'm stuck in the middle. It's spinning so fast sometimes it makes me sick.  
I can't eat, I can't sleep or even have an actual conversation. Because every time I talk to someone there is the conversation I'm having and then there are the two hypothetical ones I carry on in my head, thinking through things I could have said two seconds ago and possible answers I could have been given. And I just get confused which sentence was actually said.  
I'm not schizophrenic. I'm not. I was tested. There are no bodiless voices telling me to kill people, I know its all me, my thoughts and they led to the best of my creations but they are too loud. So loud.  
Nothing will shut them up, the pills don't stop them they just make them more depressing, then I think about how I should have done this and helped you there, could have been better at that, should have worked harder. How I never will be good enough. I count all the people I killed and all the deaths I caused that day, that month, that year, all my life. That is something that keeps my mind busy but it makes me want to throw up.  
Well I don't want to take pills.  
I used to cut them away, but Rhodey told me its a bad thing - worse than drinking - because I could kill myself without realizing it - not that it mattered- anyway so drinking it is. But drinking in the workshop is also not actually helpful Dumm-E is what happens if I'm down here so drunk my head is finally only a soft murmer. I love Dumm-E but I can't work like that and Pepper needs those new specs and an update and 347 other things I haven't done yet.  
Music can turn it down a notch, on good days drowns it out, it's louder than the thoughts and I can finally concentrate but it annoys you as if I'm not annoying enough all my beautiful self. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

It was enough, I didn't care about personal space anymore just took him in my arms hoping I could give him a little bit of comfort. Tony sagged against me. I laid my chin on his head and stroked his hair, like my mother used to do whenever I was upset. It seemed to help when the brutal shaking slowed, but the first little sob broke my heart.

"I just want _quiet_ , Bruce. I'm so tired. I want to sleep without knocking myself unconscious or drinking me into a stupor or fainting from exhaustion. I'm tired. And I want it all to stop."

Horror flooded through me. He couldn't possibly hurt him self aiming for unconsciousness. But then again, he just told me he self harmed to get quiet. Used the pain to numb his thoughts. It was a scary concept.

"Tony, it's okay it's not your fault. It's okay. You're okay."  
"I'm not. I'm really not. I'm annoying and rash and rude. I'm an asshole on good days. And I'm so grateful for you. That you put up with me. I know you need my money and I will give you that. I will always give you that even when you decide I am too much to handle in the long run."  
"Anthony! I'm here because you're my friend, not because you can buy me Hulk-Out-pants. If you want to listen to music to keep you from hurting yourself, it's a small price to pay, a very small price. Something I'd love to give if it helps you."

"I'm tired. I want it over. I don't want to live that way."

"I'm sorry."

"Not you're fault."

"Not yours either."

He didn't answer to that. He just cried quietly. And fuck if that didn't kill me. It just seemed wrong. Tony fucking Stark crying in my arms, because his own genius drove him insane. It didn't seem fair. It seemed fairly cruel, the man had to bear so much in his life, the one thing that was supposed to save him, that actually saved him many times before, was a burden to him, too.  
Eventually the sobs slowed down and stopped. Soft regular breathing taking over.  
I couldn't switch his mind off. If pills wouldn't do it then probably nothing ever could.  
But I could help him sleep.

  
\-----------------

  
"I need your help"  
"Whats going on?" Steve was instantly in Captain mode as Tony liked to call it.  
"It's about Tony."  
"What about him? I didn't hear an explosion this time." Clint asked not bad naturedly, but I got instantly defensive anyway.  
"He didn't do anything! He needs our help."  
"Is he hurt?" Steve always the mama bear.  
"No. But he's not safe either. He broke down in the lab earlier. Told me some things." The others stared at me. Except Natasha and Clint who exchanged a glance.  
"Broke down like screaming obscenities or.." Natasha began carefully.  
"More like sobbing on the floor."  
Silence. Figured.  
"He told me he was going crazy."  
"What's that supposed to mean?" Steve asked with a face he always got when Tony did something he didn't understand. Mostly concerning technologies and science.  
"Tony is a genius, we all know that. He thinks at a speed we can't even grasp and he jumping from idea to idea drives us a little crazy. I didn't know it drives him crazy too."  
"Drives him crazy how." Natasha stayed carefully calm even though after years of living together he could read her caution.  
"You know how any of us have sometimes too many things on our minds and sleep just won't come because we're constantly thinking about whatever it is that bothers us? He told me he can't eat. He can't sleep. Can't relax. He told me he can't live with that. He all but told me that he wanted to die."  
"What?!" Steve shouted.  
"But he's not suicidal, is he?" Clint worried in exceptional seriousness.  
"I guess. It's tony we'll never know for sure about anything. But since he stopped cutting I'm optimistic." The avengers took that in with a gasp from clint and a dark expression on Nat's face.  
"Cutting what?" Steve was confused, a little ashamed about not knowing what rendered everyone else speechless.  
"It's not surprising you don't know that wording. I wouldn't want you to know." Clint looked defeated as he told him.  
"Cutting in that context refers to taking a sharp object like knives or razors to your own skin, cutting yourself on purpose, with the main intention being harming yourself, to feel pain."  
"That's horrible." Steve said with wide eyes.  
"I'm sure self harm also happened in the 40ties but in this century it's actually named and popular knowledge. It's a coping mechanism. Pretty much the worst one can choose but still. It distracts him from his mind running wild."  
"Aren't there any drugs for this?"  
"Jarvis could you..."  
"Of course Dr. Banner." A second later Tony's voice filled the room. No video, Tony would kill me if I let them see him this way. His voice was shaky and soft but still undeniably him.  
"...shut them up, the pills don't stop them they just make them more depressing, then I think about how I should have done this and helped you there, could have been better at that, should have worked harder. How I never will be good enough. I count all the people I killed and all the deaths I caused that day, that month, that year, all my life. That is something that keeps my mind busy but it makes me want to throw up.  
Well I don't want to take pills.  
I used to cut them away, but Rhodey told me it's a bad thing - worse than drinking - because I could kill myself without realizing it - not that it mattered- anyway so drinking it is. But drinking in the workshop is also not actually helpful Dumm-E is what happens if I'm down here so drunk my head is finally only a soft murmer..."  
"That's enough, thank you. He rambles on about how we just stay here for the money, and how he annoys us and we can't stand him because he's rude and careless."  
"But that's not true!" Steve objected.  
"We can't correct his self perspective over night. However we are able to help him sleep."  
"How?" Clint asked. "How are we supposed to fix this if we didn't even notice in the first place?"  
"Well first we need free time. A cleared schedule. 4 weeks minimum. Some work is alright but no events and/or meetings after 4pm."  
"On it." Steve. Probably putting these puppy eyes of his to good use.  
"And training sessions. Like exhausting training sessions. But not frustrating sparring. It's supposed to calm him not rile him up."  
"Maybe some of that yoga positions you do every other day."  
"That's actually a good idea. But not enough to tire him out. So someone creates a training plan."  
"Done." Natasha was gonna be thorough.  
"Soooo, who's gonna tell Tony?" Clint asked innocently.

  
\----------------

  
"Hey what's up?" Tony didn't even look up from his current project.  
"You know how you always give us things?"  
"Yeah?" That sounded carefully suspicious.  
"I got some things for you too." I told him and he finally looked up.  
"What's that?"  
"Headphones. A rather simple solution for listening to music without bothering anyone. An iPod with a playlist. Three actually. One for work, for training and sleep. Your new work out routine - that comes with instructors- and your cleared schedule for the next six weeks. It's the most Pepper could give us." He picked up the schedule. Frowning without saying anything at first.  
"It doesn't look cleared. There are appointments for... team bonding? Sleep? You made sleep an appointment? Is this a proposition? Because you know I'm always up for sex. You don't have to give it a deadline. Actually that makes me feel like a whore. Nothing wrong with that but how much will you pay? My ordinary hourly rate is above your paycheck. Maybe if you take me to di..."

"Tony. You will sleep every other day at 9 pm. There is breakfast at 10 am, sparring at 5 pm on non sleeping days combined with work out and yoga on the others. You're not supposed to sleep besides when its appointed, so that you are actually tired when you should. You won't drink. Jarvis will notify one of us if you start, try or even consider it so we can watch out for you. You will never harm yourself ever again. Jarvis will notify whoever is nearest, you can't change that command. Steve used his precious major Override code for it. If you feel the need to drink or hurt yourself come to us. We will always listen. You can talk as fast as you like, maybe we won't always understand but we will always try. Will always tell you how much you mean to us. Because you're our teammate, our brother in arms and our friend. So don't hesitate. You will never be able to annoy us with seeking help or an escape from your head.  
You can work as much as you want but you're officially on vacation so you don't have to. That's also why you're not missing anything of what's scheduled for you. Even if you have a world changing idea going on.  
No idea will ever be more important than you." I took a deep breath, the next part was hard.  
"I'm sorry but your access to coffee on sleeping days will be restricted, I know you don't want that." I added when he started to object. "Believe me this hurts us way more than it hurts you. You can wear the headphones anytime you want, just at night or all day, no one will comment. Jarvis will notify you whenever someone needs your attention and you're occupied."  
  
"What are you doing?" Tony inquired quietly. Somewhere between gladness and horror.

"Something someone should have bothered to do a long time ago. Help you."

"You told them." Tony said with a finalty to it so it really wasn't a question. I confirmed anyway.

"I did. And we won't simply sit back and watch you drift apart."

Enough was enough

**Author's Note:**

> English is not my first language, therefore I greatly appreciate any and all mistakes and awkward wordings pointed out to me.  
> I aim to improve!  
> Also greatly appreciated are comments and kudos, as well as criticism. Still I'm a sucker for LOVE  
> Thanx to you all!  
> <3
> 
> see ya, Leo


End file.
